if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
