Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
