k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
