Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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