I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
