the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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