there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
