I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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