I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
