I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
