I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
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