I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Dignity is for republicans.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
