Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
