if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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