theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
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