i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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