i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
it's great music for shaving your balls
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
