So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
