did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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