we have officially lost it.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Randomize
