Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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