ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
