I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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