Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
