she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
