I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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