Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize
