Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
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