drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
His hands were made for my vagina.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
