so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
