I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
