I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
me + whiskey = a bad person
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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