New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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