hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize