I think my vagina is haunted
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
