1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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