I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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