There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize