it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
