...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
