last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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