This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Sext me about skeletons
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
