Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize