So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
