i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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