new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This house was built for laser tag.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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