She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
