fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
farters have to be the big spoon...
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
