worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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