I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize