i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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