I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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