it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
