cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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