I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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