wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
