I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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